Beer pong has been a party staple since the beginning of time. Countless college students, young professionals, and even some middle-aged parents have indulged in a friendly game of pong. But let’s face it, despite the variety of people who play the game, there are some standard people you see on the table at every party. Be forewarned: if you don’t recognize any of these people, you might be one of them.
You hear him before you see him. He’s chanting, shouting, and taunting. His high fives echo through the party and he runs the table until he passes out. Whether or not you want to challenge him, he calls you out from across the room. He has a victory dance that rivals Victor Cruz and he’s a stickler for the rules, but also tends to make them up as he goes along. He points out your flaws and mentally tears you down. He’s always joking about his back pain from carrying his partner and throws a temper tantrum when no one else wants to play him. He’s always there—ready to ruin the game of beer pong for you.
The One With All the Excuses
You can find them lurking around the table, criticizing your game play. A diamond re-rack? Is this your first game? They’re vultures, waiting for you to make a mistake so they can call you out. They’re always shouting, Bitches blow, before high-fiving a stranger next to them. They circle until the list dwindles and their time comes. They hardly ever win. They miss 85% of their shots and blame you for it. They blame the table. They blame the cups, the music, the wind, and the beer. It’s everything but them.
The ‘Just One of the Guys’ Girls
There are a few at every party and they always make an appearance on the table. They linger, waiting for the perfect moment to put their name on the list, when really they’re waiting for someone with better skill to partner up with. She isn’t very good at the game, but she tries. Every time she shoots, she holds her shooting pose so long it looks like she’s calculating the physics of the table. She talks like she’s a professional who practices at home in her free time, but she’s all talk. She picks a partner who’s better than she is, to carry her through a couple of games, building her up—making her look good. She thanks him with compliments and encourages his game play. When her reign is over, she walks away peacefully, leaving the threat of world domination for the next time she’s up.
The Dynamic Duo
This team travels from party to party dominating the table. They practice in their spare time, but they never admit to it. They have the grace of a ballerina and the drive of a football team. They move around each other like it’s a choreographed routine. They never lose their cool and hardly ever make a mistake. If they lose, they do it gracefully—shaking your hand and wishing you well. They can be found walking off into the sunset, waiting for the next party.
The Phone Addict
Even if you consider beer pong ‘just a game’, this player will annoy you. They’re always on their phone, taking a selfie, texting an ex, or swiping through Tinder. They slow down the game, forget when it’s their turn, and disrupt the flow. It’s just a game, but they should care, you know?
The Blackout Drunk
They put their name on the list four shots ago and forgot they even signed up. Their partner has been trolling the table and refuses to find a new teammate. They start the game with some trash talk that is just a list of curse words. They lean on the table and knock over cups to swat a bounce. They miss every shot and forget what they’re doing halfway through the game. They pick up cups before you make them, just so they can drink more.
She uses her sexuality to win the game. She maintains eye contact and blows kisses. You shoot, she flashes. You miss, she smiles. She shoots, she makes it. You try and trash talk and she turns it into something sexual. You probably let her win, but that’s okay. You didn’t really lose.
Everything sets him off. He comes into the game with a chip on his shoulder. Maybe he’s just an angry drunk, or had a rough day, but either way he gets angry over nothing. You high-five your partner after a good shot so he throws a cup at you. You swat his bounce and he flips the table. Tells you to meet him in the yard for a real beat down, but you don’t follow him. Just find out who’s next.