Facebook isn’t always a place of joy. More often than not, it’s filled with anger, hatred, ignorance, and jealousy. But isn’t that why we love it?
It doesn’t matter if you have 5 friends or you have 5,000 friends–the stock characters are all the same.
The world is out to get them and everything you say is a personal attack on them. They’re always sick and they’re never happy, but for some reason they think posting about it on Facebook will fill the happiness void.
They’re always partying or going to a festival. You wake up every Sunday to a photo of a Bloody Mary. They live for Sunday Funday, Netflix, and wine.
The Perpetually Pregnant
They’re always posting pictures of their kids and their baby bump. You’re 90% sure that their pregnancies are longer than 9 months.
The Good Samaritan
They’re the ones running a 5K for charity every weekend while you’re still in bed nursing a hangover. They donate their hair to Locks of Love and they visit kids in the cancer ward.
The Fitness Obsessed
They love Crossfit and post videos of their BEST LIFTS EVER. You know their PR’s by heart because every day they post about a new one.
These are the people who think Facebook exists for the sole purpose of gaming. They think Farmville is new and want to be the first person to invite you to play, so they send you an invitation every day.
The Old Person
They don’t really understand the purpose of Facebook. They sign every comment with their name and post embarrassing things because they often forget that other people can read everything they say.
They know everything about politics. They’re right. You’re wrong. You’re ignorant. No one should vote because no one’s vote counts.
They’re constantly trying to get you to buy their product and join their team. They make their own memes and post before and after photos. That could be you! If you care enough about your life, but clearly, you don’t.
They’re constantly promoting their own writing, even if it’s on their own blog. They compare themselves to Hemingway and post unsolicited reviews of movies made from books.
They’re probably obsessed with donuts or sandwiches. They post, overly detailed posts about every meal, without telling you how they don’t weigh 600 lbs.
The Meme Obsessed
It seems like they ‘like’ every page on Facebook because they share at least 10 memes a day.
They’re always going somewhere and seeing something. You constantly wonder if they have a job or how they afford these trips, but you never ask because you haven’t talked to them since middle school.
The Selfie Lover
They are constantly giving you a play-by-play of their lives. You know that they switched their shampoo because their cat didn’t like the smell of it and that the biopsy they had last week is benign, but thank you for your endless prayers.
Once you graduated high school, you went on a spree of friending your teachers. You watch their posts with a weird infatuation. You’re interested in their posts about the weather and commend their endless positivity.
The Pet Parent
They’re sometimes worse than the perpetually pregnant. Their pets are the best and it’s all they ever post about.
They’re posts are essays. They have thesis statements, five body paragraphs, and an open-ended conclusion. It’s an oral report on their life and they don’t leave anything out.
The Serial Liker
That one person you can always count on to like every status and every picture. It’s usually a parent or the teacher.
Hopefully, they each have their own Facebook page and don’t share a joint account. All of their pictures are together and they constantly brag about being in love.
They’re the ones sending you 3am Facebook messages that just say “hello,” even though you’ve never had a real life conversation with them.